Who The F*** Are You?

It seems like an age since I last posted and that’s probably because it is, as I have been in those United States of that America for almost two weeks. All holiday, no work or writing. Very nice thanks, nice weather, nice food, nice Jet-lag. Blah. So I thought I’d warm my way back into your hearts with a rant.

Whilst sitting in the Rockefeller Tower sipping Champagne cocktails I was mildly furious, absolutely mildly furious, to see more of these ‘writing opportunities’ that tell you vaguely what they want (but not always) but nothing, NOTHING, about themselves. I nearly choked on my medium-rare Sirloin with the rage I was most definitely not in.

The ad usually goes something like this:


Hi. We’re interested in new writers for our projects, please send us some samples of your work to: wearesoprofessionalthatwedonthaveacompanyemailaddress@gmail.com

The reply they are obviously expecting to this is:

Dear fucking amazing people, thank you for gracing my world with your fuck-me-this-tastes-like-smack offer. I’ve been waiting for an offer like this since I started writing with my own shit. I don’t care who you are as I’m so desperate for exposure that I practise flashing in Toys R Us. Attached is my best writing samples along with a video of me wanking to your advert.



Hi. I’ve been trying to write for a while but struggle with creating characters, plot and stories. So I’m looking for a writer to collaborate with. Please send me some samples of your work so I can see if we match.

Again the reply they are expecting is:

Oh my God! Sorry for replying so late but I’ve just come back from A&E because, upon reading your ad, I suddenly blew enough spunk to propel a fucking rocket ship into space. You say you don’t have any of the basic writing skills to actually write? Well that’s ok. I’ve got shitloads of time to waste and I totally believe you must have some hidden fucking genius inside you and I’d be anal-rimmingly honoured to do all the work for you so long as I can sniff your balls on a fortnightly basis. I’ve attached my best work, I hope it matches  enough for you to cock-slap your name all over it. I’ve also attached a video of me wanking to Cheaper By The Dozen so you can blackmail me too.

So I guess my point is: think about the writer, you know, the person you are trying to ‘attract’. WHY should they reply to you? WHAT’S in it for them? If you don’t put any of these things in your ad then any decent writer won’t look at you again. Instead you’ll get the desperate ‘writers’ that reply with the above (they have never worked for me – yet).

And the WHY and the WHAT doesn’t have to be the promise of bag loads of money (although that is one way) it can just be the courtesy of telling us about your projects, vision, resources, portfolio. Think not what we can do for you, but what you can do for us, too. That’s what we are looking for… that and a cure for inapproriate sexual references.


One response to “Who The F*** Are You?

  1. Hilarious blog post!

    If you have any more ideas for hilarious blog posts, please send them to… etc.

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