Out of Focus

My brain is as much my enemy as my friend when it comes writing (and probably life!).

For example, when I know I should be writing a particular sitcom script, it will start saying ‘Ooh, by the way, I’ve got a good idea for that OTHER sitcom script you’ve got but are not working on today,’ or ‘Hey, how about this for a NEW sitcom pilot…’ or even ‘FILM! I’ve got an idea for a film!’

Yeah, thanks. I really need you to be thinking about other projects when I’ve set my self targets and deadlines for this sitcom that you had a great idea for whilst trying to write topical sketches an hour before deadline!

I thought I had some sort of compromise for this as I’m trying to work on both sitcom and film ideas in preparation for the Cheltenham Screenwriter’s Festival. That was until this morning when I heard ‘Oh my God, I have an amazing idea for a play.’

Bloggers Block

What to write about on here now? I’m preparing for the Screenwriters Festival in Cheltenham and working through my planned scripts. By the way, I dropped a planned rewrite of a pilot I had drafted a while back so I’m down to two pilots a feature treatment and its first ten pages. I might lose more as the sands of time leak on. In fact I’m pretty sure I will.

I’ve got meetings with agents and producers for only three minutes each and I’m terrified that three minutes will be too long! OK, so better focus. I’ve also got to get some business cards and a website (lets call it a web page for accuracy) ready. So the question shouldn’t be what to write on here now, it should be why am I writing here now???

Funny old day

Yesterday, I tried and failed to get back into the full swing of writing again after a couple of weeks away. Well, away from actual writing that is as I was doing research and outlining on other projects. It was horrible. I genuine thought I had lost what little ability I thought I had before the break. Nothing was coming out, nothing was funny (and yes, I’m working on a comedy). I got depressed and nearly stalled my car on the way to Sainsbury’s – that’s how bad it got.

Today I woke-up (this post is proof) and suddenly things are flowing again, I even made myself laugh. Of course the trick is to make other people laugh but the main thing is I’m back on it. The thought of ’shit, I’ve rearranged my whole life to be a writer. What the hell am I going to do now that I KNOW I can’t do it?’ is put off for another day. Probably until tomorrow. Perseverance and a decent sleep work wonders.

I also watched Margot at the Wedding yesterday and had one of those WTF? moments. In fact I had a few during the film and more after. There was no wedding and it was quite gripping but it was like you’d just started watching the film half way through and then left before the ending. At bit like this post minus the ‘gripping’ bit.

Who The F*** Are You?

It seems like an age since I last posted and that’s probably because it is, as I have been in those United States of that America for almost two weeks. All holiday, no work or writing. Very nice thanks, nice weather, nice food, nice Jet-lag. Blah. So I thought I’d warm my way back into your hearts with a rant.

Whilst sitting in the Rockefeller Tower sipping Champagne cocktails I was mildly furious, absolutely mildly furious, to see more of these ‘writing opportunities’ that tell you vaguely what they want (but not always) but nothing, NOTHING, about themselves. I nearly choked on my medium-rare Sirloin with the rage I was most definitely not in.

The ad usually goes something like this:

CASE STUDY A

Hi. We’re interested in new writers for our projects, please send us some samples of your work to: wearesoprofessionalthatwedonthaveacompanyemailaddress@gmail.com

The reply they are obviously expecting to this is:

Dear fucking amazing people, thank you for gracing my world with your fuck-me-this-tastes-like-smack offer. I’ve been waiting for an offer like this since I started writing with my own shit. I don’t care who you are as I’m so desperate for exposure that I practise flashing in Toys R Us. Attached is my best writing samples along with a video of me wanking to your advert.

OR…

CASE STUDY B

Hi. I’ve been trying to write for a while but struggle with creating characters, plot and stories. So I’m looking for a writer to collaborate with. Please send me some samples of your work so I can see if we match.

Again the reply they are expecting is:

Oh my God! Sorry for replying so late but I’ve just come back from A&E because, upon reading your ad, I suddenly blew enough spunk to propel a fucking rocket ship into space. You say you don’t have any of the basic writing skills to actually write? Well that’s ok. I’ve got shitloads of time to waste and I totally believe you must have some hidden fucking genius inside you and I’d be anal-rimmingly honoured to do all the work for you so long as I can sniff your balls on a fortnightly basis. I’ve attached my best work, I hope it matches  enough for you to cock-slap your name all over it. I’ve also attached a video of me wanking to Cheaper By The Dozen so you can blackmail me too.

So I guess my point is: think about the writer, you know, the person you are trying to ‘attract’. WHY should they reply to you? WHAT’S in it for them? If you don’t put any of these things in your ad then any decent writer won’t look at you again. Instead you’ll get the desperate ‘writers’ that reply with the above (they have never worked for me – yet).

And the WHY and the WHAT doesn’t have to be the promise of bag loads of money (although that is one way) it can just be the courtesy of telling us about your projects, vision, resources, portfolio. Think not what we can do for you, but what you can do for us, too. That’s what we are looking for… that and a cure for inapproriate sexual references.

May Contains Nuts on ITV!

This week a dream came true when I was watching Benidorm (that wasn’t my dream) and during the adverts I finally got to hear ITV promote May Contain Nuts, the show I created and co-wrote. It was jubilation in my living room, only slightly soured by the fact that this wasn’t actually the same May Contain Nuts that I created and co-wrote.

It was a comedy-drama that had nothing to do with me, but I’m probably just being pandantic. The celebrations continue. I’m now writing my new sketch show called The News at Ten. I can almost hear it now…

Subliminal Subliminal

The week shot by with not much actually writing words but lots of plotting and planning. I’m working on a script that I’m on the 3rd/4th write-through on and its time to add extra layers to the scenes such as symbolism and subliminal shots. This is something the experienced writer might do quite early on in their script but I’m fairly new to the 30 min+ world so I had left it until now.

I needn’t have bothered though. By some freak coincidence the quirks I had given certain characters were prefect symbols or metaphors of their stories. So, basically, I had been subliminally putting in subliminal messages and symbols in my script all along (!?)

I’m writing subliminal a lot because I have trouble saying it, and this thing has spell check. In fact, I don’t think I’ve actually spelt it correctly in this piece without requiring spell check. That’s just how I roll. (I spelt spell check wrong too – it isn’t one word.)

Meanwhile, I’ve been trying to buy a car which is exciting, scary and depressing all at the same time. A bit like getting married. This weekend I’m looking forward to watching (friend of the blog) Chris Regan’s Ten Dead Men, which I now own on DVD. (Subliminal linkage alert).

The sketch show is still getting good reviews and interest and I’m preparing to write for another BBC radio sketch show in the next few weeks.

Subliminal.

Writing Pitfalls Advice

Great advice from Tony Jordan (if you’re thinking ‘who?’ – get out!) via Jason Arnopp.

Don’t get sucked in by the idea of craft, and the industry which poses as gatekeeper to some Great Big Secret Of Successful Writing. Tony’s never pretended to be Robert McKee’s greatest advocate. He illustrated just how simple storytelling is, by putting two tea cups a fair distance apart on the table, representing Your Character and Their Dramatic Goal. He then put a few random objects between them – including a cafetiere and a sugar bowl, fact fans – representing Obstacles. He picked up the first Obstacle and allowed, “You can call this the Inciting Incident, if it makes you feel happy and all warm inside!”. Whatever works. But in a nutshell, that line-up of objects encapsulated Storytelling: The Tony Jordan Method. Wouldn’t make much of a book, or even fill out a pamphlet, but it’s all you need.

http://jasonarnopp.blogspot.com/2009/05/tony-jordans-red-planet-workshop.html

Things that happened while I was away

So while I was away in New York and the East Coast I managed to do the following:

1) Watch three films on the plane out to JFK:
Slumdog Millionaire – as good as everyone says
Rachel Getting Married – great performance from Anna Hathaway, but otherwise a bit meh!
Burn After Reading – a good laugh, better than I was expecting after some bad reviews

2) Get another sketch into the Treason Show. Well the email confirming that it was performed, I wrote it a week before leaving. That’s two out of two for 2009. Don’t tell them but both were written as samples for other writing teams. At least they got used.

3) I got an email from the BBC telling me that my sample sketches ’stood out’ and wanting me to submit more for a topical news radio show in April.

4) Ran up the ‘Rocky‘ steps and did the celebration at the top, in Philadelphia. Which, by the way, isn’t called Philadelphia – its Philly. You only make that mistake once.

5) Watched classic Ice Hockey movie Slap Shot with an Ice Hockey fan. Which, by the way, isn’t called Ice Hockey – its called hockey, as according to American’s “where else would you play hockey?” I didn’t explain.

6) I watched just one movie on the flight from JFK to Heathrow due to the shit not on-demand system the 777 has. I watched Doubt. Didn’t do it for me. I wanted to watch Vicky Cristina Barcelona that was after it but Doubt put me to sleep. Bastards.

7) I didn’t meet the legend Phillip ‘the legend’ Barron in New York even though I just found out he was over there at the same time. Woody Allen was there too. What’s wrong with these people? So unsociable. I’m glad I didn’t watch Vicky Cristina now.

Good/Bad Habits

I remember the first time I started to naturally watch films from a writer’s perspective. I felt like that kid from The Sixth Sense – I saw dead people, or people I wanted to kill for lazy structure/dialogue/lifestyles. It was like getting a power that was both a gift and a curse.

More recently I’ve gained this new super-power where by I not only spot holes in scripts but I also fix them in my own mind – or if the wife is watching, I suddenly pause the DVD and tell her what they could of done to fix something she didn’t see broken in the first place (usually this second scenario ends with an awkward silence where my wife manages to pull a face that perfectly says “What the fuck do you think you are doing? Press play now or you’re in a straight jacket by News at Ten”).

I hope this is a sign of progress writing-wise as its certainly a sign of divorce marriage-wise.

Quality Control at the BBC

We all know that Heston Blumenthal likes to experiment with his cooking but check out the wording the BBC gave in the url of his latest recipe…

http://www.bbc.co.uk/food/recipes/database/carrotsglazedwithcum_80467.shtml

Its a good job the BBC’s quality control isn’t being questioned.

(Thanks Lee Henman)